Struggling to articulate my life, my bio and my purpose. I don’t know how to start sharing what I need to for you to find me or follow me. Its a fight I have not given up, when it comes to making things right.
Its really hard to think back in time and remember what, why, where and how it all came to be or does that even matter?
Others Vs Myself
My perspective now is to reflect on what and why I did things when it came to others. I wanted to do things for others, I enjoyed doing things for others. I carry so much pain and remorse when it comes to things I have done.
Learning To Fight For What Is Right
There was a time that I would bend over backwards to do everything I could for others. While all my needs were going unmet. Or, were they? Was I even aware of what was happening? Did I see the writing on the wall? Did others opinions, viewpoints really matter? Was I really being taken advantage of? Did I do things for others for me to feel valued? Did I do things because, they asked me to do them or did I do them because, that is just how I operate?
What I kept locked Up
I was the only child till around age seven. The same year that I was taken advantage of by a stranger.
My family including myself trusted our neighborhood so much that when I was doing the daily thing of playing outside, as I was instructed to do.
There was a particular day that I ended up being outside yet, I ended up following others into a vehicle. This is when my life took another direction.
When it comes to having someone in your life, whether that be family, friends or the opposite sex. I was really at a loss because, I was ashamed for what had been done and where I was going with it all.
What Is My Purpose
We must reflect on our younger years, the years we dream of being a particular person, you know the person we looked up too, the person that was a protector.
I guess you could say that was my father. My father and I had a relationship that does not seem to exist these days.
We always spent time together, whether that be at my father’s place of employment, at home cleaning the garage, washing vehicles, fishing from the shore or from a boat, camping in a tent, going to car races, skiing on the lake behind our boat, B-B-Q, cooking, family get together’s, shooting guns, motorcycle riding, riding quads in the mountains, hitting the sand dunes with quads and sand rails or even going to the bars to play pool, going out to dinner mostly Fridays for Chinese food to untying his laces on his boots, taking his socks off or even tickling his back.
I was his side kick, I guess you could say I was a tomboy growing up.
During my childhood what I didn’t see was that he was in pain, suffering from a disease and he became depressed from all the disappointments, losses he was enduring. My dad refused to go to the doctor for anything.
My Role Model
My dad was a hard worker, the hardest worker ever. He was there for others when others were not there for them. My father worked six days a week twelve hours a day to provide for his family. His enjoyment was his truck, along with fishing, hunting and holding huge parties with family and friends at all our places of residence and even at my grandparents home in Auburn, CA.
During, this time our family had grown to a family of four and eventually a family of five. When my second sister was born, this sister became my main responsibility to care for because, the third born was born with 99% lung damage.
Fighting For What Is Right
At different stages of our lives there is the good and then there is the bad that eventually takes place. Now, that I am older, I have chosen to turn all the bad into something good. I have too because, there is a purpose I must fulfill. We know there is a reason why good and bad happens over and over. Are we going to let the bad control our future?
Wandering In The Wilderness
I didn’t know what my purpose was for the 40+ years, I call these years the wilderness years that I wandered in the wilderness as a lost child. I was so lost. I didn’t think my life could get any worse but, my life did get worse and that particular situation came less than twenty four hours later.
During the next couple of years, I thought I was getting stronger by going through it with my friends and acquaintances. But, in reality they were not getting me through it, they gave me the tools to remain numb, they influenced me the way they kept themselves numb. I too was now on a self-seeking mission till one day not so long ago.
We must fight for what is right, the right way though!